Being a "Pseudo-Mom"

I use Pseudo-Mom because I have no children of my own, yet, in 2009 I become a "mom" to my husband's adopted sister LiXuMei after the death of their father, Jerry.

At the time we were living in the Seattle area and the choice to move was an easy one. Taking Lili into our home and caring for her had been a conversation we had had several times over the years since Garrett's step mother Wendy passed in October of 2004. Yes, there were others who could have cared for Lili and who have children and "know" what to do, but for us there wasn't a doubt in our minds, we wanted her in our daily life. We felt we were at a in a place our lives where we could take on and handle the responsibility. We just seemed like the most resonable fit. Especially in my mind. When Wendy died Lili was only five years old. Such a beautiful yet sad story for one so young. I knew Jerry would continue to be wonderful with her, patient, kind, funny, and being a older parent I've heard you do things differently, the whole wiser bit. Still, his health was a concern and losing the love of your life can take a toll in some cases.

Perhaps a quick back story will help to put some perspective in place. Garrett's parents divorced when he was very little and his father, Jerry, remarried Wendy a few years afterward. They decided to not have children of their own because Wendy didn't want the kids to feel that they were being replaced by their dad. So time flew by and the moment passed where she could have a child of her own. They never regretted the decision but once the kids grew up and started having children of their own, they felt and knew they wanted to experience that same joy. In 1999 they decided to try adoption. Luckily enough there were several other people in their neighboring towns who were also wanting to adopt and adopt specifically from China. And from that point they were set. It took a bit considering both were over 50 and sadly at that age it is slightly more difficult to become approved due to health concerns. But they were eventually approved and in 2000 travelled to China to bring home a baby girl named Li Xu Mei. Truly a wonderfully beautiful moment for them. Lili was 18 months old when they brought her home.

Wendy was so happy and such a good mom. Bringing home a child from China is a huge task, babies there aren't cared for they way they are here in orphanages. LiXuMei was over a year old and in every way resembled a new born. But Wendy loved the challenge and the task of bringing that little girl up to age standards and beyond. Which she did. Being a teacher Wendy helped her daughter to become so well read and articulate at a young age. Truly a beautiful acheivement. 

It was devistating when Wendy passed in 04, especially because she was beating her throat cancer and becoming a survivor. A horrible car accident threw Wendy into a stroke and shortly afterward her poor body just couldn't fight any longer. It left LiXuMei and Jerry very alone and isolated in the back woods of Chehalis Washington. So Jerry made the decision to move back to the Tri-Cities in the summer of 05 to be closer to his other children and their kids. 

Now Jerry had had some heart issues in his past and had suffered two mild heart attacks already. These were some of the concerns I had and why I told Garrett if god forbid anything should ever happen to his father, I felt we could take care of his sister. Unfortuntately in late June 2009 that day came. Jerry died in his sleep from a coronary. We were all so relieved it wasn't painful for him and that he went peacefully. We were doubly relieved Lili was visiting with her Aunt Liz in Tacoma for the week. At the time I was already in Kennewick for the Fourth of July weekend waiting for Garrett to get back from a fishing trip and join me. Receiving that call and not being albe to comfort my husband was heartbreaking. I couldn't stop thinking of LiXuMei. Such a beautiful little girl who has endured such tragedies far too early in her life. 

At that moment I knew in my heart and felt that events which occurred in my life happened for a reason. I wasn't working and we hadn't bought a home or had children of our own yet. I felt that the disruption to our life wouldn't be as much of a burden for us as it would have been for his siblings and their children due to their set routines and such. Once Garrett arrived in town and we had a moment to ourselves I told Garrett we are moving back and becoming guardians of that little girl. There was no question in my heart, any fears I may have had when it came to the thought of raising a child and the challenges involved with a teenager in this day and age just didn't matter anymore. *These fears were just one of the many reasons I hesitated to begin a family of my own* My fears seemed silly in that moment to me and I knew together Garrett and I could handle anything. In that moment our lives changed immeasurably and we were ready for it all.

It didn't take but a split second for all involved to agree Garrett and I were the best choice as guardians for LiXuMei too. Plus as a family everyone truly felt making Lili leave her school, her room, her friends just wasn't in her best interest at that point in time. Don't misunderstand it wasn't a deal breaker if Garrett and I wanted to stay where we were and bring Lili back, but for Garrett and I those reasons just mentioned were exactly why we chose to move instead of bringing her back with us to Seattle. Insidentally Garrett and I had discussed moving back on a few occasions but the timing never seemed right, for me once I heard about Jerry I knew what we had to do; I knew being with family was the best decision for both Garrett and Lili. I could sacrifice all I loved and enjoyed about being in the big city and the burbs for my husband who I loved more then anything. 

I won't lie it was extremely hard to leave a place I came to consider as my hometown. I loved it there on the West Side. I chose to move there for so many glorious reasons, but leaving was the right thing to do. I knew it wasn't about me anymore, it was about a 10 year old little girl. And honestly I wouldn't change a thing. I have come to enjoy being back. Re-establishing old friendships, being around my family and getting to know my plethora of neices and nephews and learning to enjoy the family circle and having a steady support system in place has been amazing. A blessing. Plain and simple. A sad, tragic, unbelievably wonderful blessing.  

This little girl has captured my heart in a way I never imagined possible. She is silly and sweet, gentle and kind, generous and thoughtful. Jerry and Wendy did such an amazing job with her and I just hope I can honor their memories by continuing to do the same. Now being a quasi-mom to Lili is absolutely wonderful. I must say being in my mid 30's has helped in so many ways. And having her in my life has allowed me to see I have had nothing to fear about raising a child and that biology doesn't mean everything when it comes to matters of the heart. She has helped me to realize I am more than ready to add to our happy home one day soon.

One last thought before I finish for today.

Jerrry, Wendy thank you for being the most amazing in laws a woman could ever have. You taught me so much about marriage and patience and compromise. You gave me a gift I can never repay. I only hope I can honor your legacy because you raised a truly gracious and fabulous young lady. As her Pseudo-Mom I look forward to each day and all she and I have to teach each other and hope I do you proud.