Bootie Cravings

Yes. As the title suggests I am experiencing this craving. And it is like nothing I have felt before, ever.

Many times in my twenties I contracted what is know as the "fever", BABY FEVER to be exact. Baby Fever can be best explained as a sudden rush of want and need to have a sweet bundle of joy from exposure to a newborn. You think you want one and shortly the feeling passes for most of course and yet for others not so quickly. For me it always passed quickly. Once I was married Baby Fever ebbed and flowed over 7 years. Yes I wanted one. No I didn't. Yes. No. Yes. No. Now as I have grown older I have begun to differentiate between "the fever" and "the craving". For me I basically relate these two to infatuation and real love and the fundamental differences between them.

I do get that both fever and craving are temporary in every essence of the words, but in this particular instance I see them as two polar opposites. With fever being immature and wanting something for the novelty of it vs craving being an honest desire to truly embrace a new chapter in one's life and fulfil a particular need to the most extreme. At thirty-six years old and frighteningly close to turning thirty-seven with no children my biological clock has gone from a soft inconsistent tick to a very loud non-stop buzzing alarm, with NO snooze button in sight!

Everywhere I look I see babies and women with pregnant bellies and I feel my desire growing. I hear gossip of "oops" and wonder when I get to say those wonderfully fulfilling words; "I am pregnant." Then I finally came to the conclusion that sitting on the fence and waiting for life to grant me this gift, at my age, isn't going to happen. I have to make a conscious effort to get pregnant. I am not any of those other women who seem to get pregnant effortlessly, we are going to have to put some serious dual effort if this is ever going to happen. We haven't been preventing nor really trying for over 5 years. That's a long time for no accidents, but my friends have told me that it may be due to timing. As many know the window to get pregnant is very small and the percent each month is less than 15 for a woman my age. So no need to panic, yet, because if we weren't trying then no need to fret. It is only once we begin and after a trial with no news is concern warrented. Which leads me to this...

... We are officially trying to get "preggers"! And DAMN! I have never wanted something so much in my life. I used to be scared of the stories of needles and tearing, all the horrors that you see or hear about child birth. All of it terrified me. But I am now completely confident in my decision because all these things that frightened me before just don't matter anymore. The want and desire to see our baby is so much stronger than any fears I may have harbored prior. You see I am terrified of needles, I have veins that are so small a pediatric needle has to be used to draw blood, and when you're pregnant there is a lot of blood that has to be drawn and tested throughout the pregnancy. It is so bad drawing blood from my veins that I have a tendency to bruise very easily and often times will go hypoxic. Which is where you loose oxygen and get all dopey and slow and it takes a bit to return to normal. That knowledge alone for me was so scary, but now.
I.
Just.
Don't.
Care.
I want to be nauseous and pee all the time. I want to feel my breast growing and the baby moving around pushing all my organs into tight spaces making me completely uncomfortable. I want to spend hours pouring over baby name books and picking out all the baby room furniture and arguing with Garrett over what style is cuter and which name is perfect! I am SO ready for it all. I want the ablility to call a child MINE! To have him or her snuggle into my neck fall asleep and drool all over me. To cry at that first step and rejoice in that first word. Its like this song, "I want it all, I want it all, and I want it NOW" I don't remember who sang this but at this moment it speaks volumes! And says a lot as to what I write next.

So, I know patience is a virtue but when it comes to trying to get with child and you are in your late thirties, patience tends to be on its very last legs! But I am not giving up hope or faith! I am staying positive, telling myself that it is early in our journey and there is nothing to worry about for the next six months. So until then Garrett and I get to enjoy the efforts we put into this endeavor! And hopefully sometime soon within the next few months a very happy post will be brightening the world!